5 - On Loneliness 🍎

Wishful thinking, silver dresses, angel numbers and surfing the waves

Happy New Moon! 

I’ve been putting off writing this; or maybe life - very intentionally - has been gently steering me away from my incessant Geminian desire to analyze my entire emotional spectrum and attempt to shortcut my way out of physical and spiritual lessons. (...Anyone else?👁️)

It’s been a while…  nearly 3 months since the last note, and SO much energy has been shifting. I realize that I was waiting, in a way, to be granted stillness by some Invisible External Force™ - without quite coming to understand that this pause I’m yearning for is something I must carve out space for myself, intentionally and by any means necessary. Slow motionnnn. 

Unsure where to begin, I’ll share a dream I had in May:

The world is sinking, and I find myself on an ocean shore at night under a starry sky. I’m in a group, but slowly walk away from them until I’m alone and approached by a woman, who invites me to remove my shoes, my jewelry and lastly my clothes. I step out of the little pile on the sand and walk, step by step, into the waves until my feet can’t touch the bottom and I’m completely submerged by the water. At first I am calm, floating in the humming darkness, but suddenly I feel an intense restlessness and I’m running out of breath and I attempt to swim upwards but the waves keep dragging me down. I’m terrified and I kick and flail my arms and suddenly I stop and surrender and I’m pulled upwards, emerging from the water and waking up in my bed with a gasp, soaked in sweat and with what I would soon realize was a fever and some sort of throat infection.

And because life is ironic in this way, and there is no such thing as coincidences, the first notification I saw that morning was an email notification from electronic music label FREQUENCIES with an invitation to perform at an upcoming event at Handlebar. Enter a feverish four days where I go into a bit of a trance…  learning how to structure my first-ever live set on Ableton, how to route cables through an audio interface, sobbing out of frustration (lol) as I set up midi tracks and tried to get my voice back. I shut myself in my apartment, rehearsed like a madwoman and finally had my debut performance as Golondrina on May 25th at 10:10 PM (for all my angel number lovers) - the number of endings & new beginnings.

Everything flowed in a really trippy way. Last time I had been at that venue I was doing some hard wishful thinking, envisioning how great it would be to perform in that space, for that audience. I was going to the studio once a week and was especially immersed in the production process, reflecting on how I wanted to birth these songs into the world before travelling back home. And it couldn’t have gone better, in a room full of care, with the Floralis Generica projected on me and a thrifted silver dress that I quite literally manifested out of thin air the afternoon before the performance. 

Getting on that stage felt transcendental and I was so, so afraid. I trembled the entire performance and could feel every nerve in my body vibrating way after I was finished. It was a short set, and it felt utterly impossible to not let the fear come through in my voice. Apparently - through some casual research I’ve been doing into somatic healing - I discovered that singing flat (😅), stuttering and losing your voice or having a scratchy/achey throat  are all symptoms of a larger hesitancy to speak your truth. 

Interesting, no? How wise our bodies are. 

I’ve been reflecting a lot on this recently - on what I believe and know is true, and how crucial it is to FEEL the truth and release it into existence, embracing and moving through the emotions that are deemed ‘negative’ simply because they reveal something deeper and murkier and messier. 

I’m definitely in a deep and murky cycle right now (aren’t we all?) with a whole lot of tears and grief and massive waves of loneliness. What I valued in the past, where I put my trust and my energy has changed immensely, as has the treatment I allowed myself to receive and even my own actions and reactions. It’s all changingggg baby, and with change comes loss and with loss comes a great big VOID that needs to be FULLY acknowledged and felt before filling it up again. And the void sucks. Lol. 

I think of Octavia Butler’s ‘Parable of the Sower’ which I read last month:

 "All that you touch you Change. 

All that you Change 

Changes you. 

The only lasting truth is Change. 

God Is Change."

I’m very spiritual but don't necessarily believe in God, so feel free to exchange that word for [insert your own belief system]. 

All of this could honestly not be more aligned with the archetype I’m moving through (for the chronological sake of this newsletter) which is the Hierophant: the High Priest and fifth Major Arcana of the tarot. In the card’s journey, this is the figure we encounter when we are ready to meet a spiritual teacher, to receive (and give!) mentorship on the multiple ways that spirituality informs our rules, routines and systems of belief. I wrote about committing to ourselves wholeheartedly in the last newsletter, and this cycle is about reassessing what that has felt like. What has felt aligned? Where are we still carrying unnecessary weight? 

The Hierophant reminds me to move through spirituality in times of change - to slow down and get to the core, to connect with roots and with self. To peel off the layers of smokey lies that I’ve been told, and ultimately told myself - whether to feel seen, to feel protected, to belong or to heal.  To live my truth and surf the wave, man.

In other news, I went on an ~ experimental 2 month alcohol detox ~ to see if it helped alleviate some painful symptoms and help with womb and gut healing. It was really interesting to see how my body reacted. I consciously felt much clearer, with a crisp(er?) mind and rested - and noticed a decrease in painful cramping that, if you’ve witnessed my journey with all of this stuff, you’ll know how EXCITING this revelation is to me. 

I have so much more to share, especially after my 30th birthday and this last trip to Buenos Aires that has moved things on a tectonic level.. but I’m realizing I can’t expect to fit it all in a newsletter, and that I’d rather reserve my musings and fears for the special few, intimate relations I’m holding right now. 

In the meanwhile, I’ll be postponing meetings, wandering parks and rivers, writing and preparing for the release of my debut single and EP in the fall. See you around 💗

🍎TO READ 🍎

I recently devoured Bad Cree by Jessica Johns. This novel grips you right away, pulling you through supernatural realms and family relations and chills you to the bone and is a PERFECT read for lying in the grass in a forest somewhere. 

Also this quote by Clarissa Pinkola Estes in Women Who Run With The Wolves is one that I return to often:

🍎TO WATCH 🍎

Since the only things I’ve watched recently are music videos, here’s ‘Glock’ by Cazzu y La Joaqi and TONTA by Nathy Peluso - two temazos by Argentinean artists on femme resilience, taking up space, recovering from abusive relationships and how it is an internal journey as much as a collective one that is done in community - through care and love. 

🍎TO LISTEN 🍎

Your intuition. <3