4 - On Discipline π
Star anise petals, feminine rage, catharsis and moving towards love.
Happy new moon and solar eclipse bbs!
I laugh to myself because every time I mention astrological transits, I hear a little judgy voice in my mind that it doesnβt existΒ - butΒ this is honestly how I understand the passing of time. Itβs not necessarily days of the week, or months, or even numbers on the clock - itβs usually lunar cycles and the transitions between one season to another. I know Iβm TRULY lost and dazed when I donβt know what moon is coming up nextβ¦ and (sorry not sorry) the Earth was here way before the lil hands on your watch.Β
Itβs been an intense time lately, with grief showing up all around in different shapes and forms and itβs been a lot of figuring out - step by step - how to navigate it with as much grace and empathy as possible. A lot was put on hold, from weekly jam sessions to personal projects and even sleeping at home - all to make space for healing, rest and showing up for loved ones.Β
Life is a blessing, friends. Loss is always imminent and you never, never know what could happen. We have to hold ourselves close, and hand in hand with this comes the very difficult decision of knowing when to surrender, when to trust in absolute uncertainty and let go.Β
Last week, I was invited to the first Conversation CafΓ© of the year organized by PODER Afro y Abya Yala Fuerza Feminista - a not for profit organization dedicated to creating spaces that centre Trans, Queer, Afro-Latinx and Indigenous individuals in Torontoβs Latinx community. The event was aptly named βCambia, Todo Cambiaβ (Change, Everything Changes) after my favourite song by Mercedes Sosa - which I performed a snippet of online in a very neat moment of synchronicity. The whole evening was centered around exploring and observing our relationship to change, whether it is a change in seasons, historical and social changes to systems we live in, or changes occurring in our personal lives. It was a really beautiful gathering, and it filled my heart to reunite with familiar faces, hug friends and just embody the reality that the only thing constant is change. We did a little fire ritual, and my friend Jess led a visioning workshop where we were invited to create an imaginary plant or flower with the spiritual and healing properties we were craving the most at the moment. I collaged a little flower with star anise petals that always leans, no matter what, hacia el amor. In the direction of love.Β
Iβve been musing a lot about consistency recently, and crafting my own definition of discipline - which is challenging - because Iβve always associated it with authority, shame, punishment and lack of freedom (lmaoβ¦ much to unpack here. Is it a Gemini thing? An Argentinean thing?). And I know Iβm not the only one with these associations, based on the amount of conversations Iβve had with so many of you. Itβs ironic too, because the original root of the word DISCERE means TO LEARN, to study, train and apply a system of standards.Β I really love this definition found on the internet:Β
Discipline is not rules, regulations, or punishment. It is not compliance, obedience, or enforcement. It is not rigid, boring, or always doing the same thing.Β
Discipline is not something others do to you. It is something you do for yourself. You can receive instruction or guidance from one or many sources, but the source of discipline is not external. It is internal.
Discipline is not obedience to someone elseβs standards to avoid punishment. It is learning and applying intentional standards to achieve meaningful objectives.
Thatβs where Iβm at now - and I think it reflects a larger, collective desire to create our OWN system of standards. To rediscover what consistency means to you, what rituals are forming your everyday experience, what patterns you are repeating and whether theyβre constructed through fear, or through love. To commit to yourself wholeheartedly, to your brightest days as much as your pain and shadows, and to trust that everything else will fall into place.Β
On a perhaps less deep level, this has looked like freelancing to me. In desperately wanting to take my day back, take my time back, I overcommitted to multiple simultaneous projectsΒ - resulting in a lil chaos when all the deadlines arrived at the same time. It also looked like cancelling a series I was hosting because I was tired of modifying my schedule to accommodate others who didnβt even end up attending. (Zero bad blood here <3Β I obviously understand that people have their own times, it was just a stark reminder to selfΒ to stop forcing things to happen when everything else points in a different direction). It has also looked like managing my time responsibly, not getting emotionally invested in work, taking breaks and registering for a 5-month music production course to learn the skills I need to propel Golondrina to the next level.
ποΈWeβre working on my debut single to be released this summer, donβt sleep ποΈ
Likewise in relationships. I got tattooed by the brilliant and kind Marina (aka Waterfaw) yesterday, and at one point during the session she asked me what Iβve been doing, who Iβve been hanging out with. I surprised myself, because I wanted to say that Iβve been hanging out with my friends and meeting cool people, but these past months have been fully dedicated to my love and my family - those who I know are constant in my life, whether through moments of sorrow or moments of joy. Those who I can truly be myself with. Itβs only very recently that Iβve come to peace with the loss of strong friendshipsβ¦ and after a lot of anger and a lot of crying, been able to push past the fear of loneliness and never belonging to re-friend myself, and emerge more confident in how I love, and how I want to be loved. Itβs a new wavelength for me, and Iβm grateful that I already see and feel new connections and bonds forming.Β
Itβs like Argentinean astrologer Lu Gaitan says in her last newsletter:
Digamos todo: nuestra cultura es mΓ‘s bien individualista, entonces lo que sale mΓ‘s sencillo es βhacΓ© lo que tengas ganas, lo que te diga tu instintoβ. [...] si me lo preguntas a mΓ, el gran asunto es hacer y construir con otras personas. No con cualquiera, desde ya.Β
βLet's say it all: our culture is rather individualistic, so itβs easy to just say βdo what you want, what your instinct tells youβ.Β [...] If you ask me, the truly big thing is to DO and BUILD with others. Not with just anyone, though.β
Thatβs where Iβm at now. Paying attention to my surroundings, discerning the energies around me, caring for myself and my loved ones, catching myself when I say something hurtful (to myself or another) and trying to not let the veggies in my fridge go to waste.Β
How about you?Β
πTO READ π
I havenβt been reading much.. but since I talk so much about love in this piece, I ultra recommend All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks.Β
πTO WATCH π
This week, by UTTER CHANCE, the algorithm brought me to Hot Docs website and I saw they were screening Marea Verde: a film directed by Angel Giovanni Hoyos that visibilizes the feminist fight to legalize abortion in Argentina through testimonies of activists from across Latin America. This is a movement I witnessed at a distance, from Toronto, and I had never seen it embodied so profoundly in a film. LlorΓ© como una desquiciadaaaaaa. I went with two friends and the crying was incredibly cathartic. The way this film moved me - a striking reminder of the rampant violence against women and bodies, a reminder that resistance is RAGE as much as it is JOY and COMPANIONSHIP and that there is always, always space for song and dance.Β
Another new moon clip for you is this NPR Tiny Desk concert by iLe, badass Puerto Rican singer, composer and vocalist known for singing with group Calle 13 alongside her brothers RenΓ© PΓ©rez Joglar (Residente) and Eduardo Cabra MartΓnez (Visitante). Her band performed this set having just arrived from the front lines of the historic demonstrations in San Juan calling for the resignation of Gov. Ricardo RossellΓ³ in July 2019.. and you can feel it.
πTO LISTEN π
I made a very chaotic playlist that reflects the mystical purge this eclipse is bringing to my consciousness right now. Of note is Hilary Duff (obviouslyβ¦I think this was the first song I sang in the shower), Argentinean pop queens LALI and Maria Becerra (because perrear = spiritual experience) and βPalo Santoβ by Chicago-based alt-Latinx band Dos Santos who I just discovered and instantly love.
And to finish on an energetic note, hereβs Japanese electronic music band Yellow Magic Orchestra and a BRILLIANT live performance of Technopolis in 1979. RIP Yukihiro Takahashi <3